An Open Letter from an Ugly Daughter to her Beautiful Mom!
Dear Mom,
I was around two years old that night, my tooth was aching, I remember dad was carrying me and telling me stories to divert my attention. He had applied clove oil on my aching teeth and was showing me the moon. I remember we were standing at the exit door leading from the kitchen. Within few minutes of applying the oil and listening to his story, my pain had totally vanished. At that point, I felt so secure and happy in his arms. He was my hero to take away the pain.
Our house then was located on a hill top, the front of which had a beautiful corn farm. The kitchen garden had some wild flowers and cherries. There used to be a U-shaped gate fully covered with pink roses. We also had few pets. It all seemed so perfect, we were a happy and loving family. When I came back from school, I remember you, me, and dad played school-school again so that my homework was done. Such beautiful memories but it was short lived for me.
It was not long that you and dad had to go out for a dinner party leaving me and my year old brother with the sevadar (as they call the army batman these days). I don’t remember when you left, what I remember was being woken up by something getting into my pants and then into my body. I woke up crying and shivering. Even at that small age I sensed this was something wrong. I moved away and did not go back to sleep. I remember, there was a calendar hanging in the bedroom that had a goddess picture on it. I kept looking at that picture until I heard both of you come back.
Next couple of days, I felt a repulsion and shame with my own body. The sevadar was seen all around the house, as if he was mocking me. I wanted to tell you, but I did not know what to tell. I tried multiple times, but I saw you were busy with little brother. I was so scared of being shouted upon by you. I was also scared of being in the bad books of my dad, my hero. All I wanted was a hug and an assurance that I was safe. I kept it to myself but something inside me died a bit.
Years passed, we moved to another city, I grew up a bit more, now I was around seven years old. It was those days when your health was very bad and you had to be taken for treatment to multiple hospitals in different cities. Doctors were not very hopeful. This time again you left me and my brother with the sevadar who was allotted to us in that city. In one hand, I was sad about your health and another hand the feeling of living with the sevadar was filling with me fear. The very first evening when you left us, the sevadar came home drunk. He threatened to beat my brother if I did not dance on the songs he played. He touched me in appropriately, I was scared but had to stay strong to protect my brother. This happened for two days.
That weekend, we were invited by our neighbors for breakfast. That was my chance to escape as the sevadar was no where near. The moment aunty offered to open her doors for us, I took it. As I write this letter, I am 40 years old, and even today I can feel the relief in my heart from that moment.
We stayed there for two days before coming back to our house. I was safe for those two days. When you came back, you were still sick and dad was very sad so I did not have the courage to say anything. Once again, I was scared to be called a dirty and shameless girl myself to be bringing upon embarrassment to our family.
I buried the event somewhere in my heart and kept on going. The saddest part was when you and dad kept thanking the sevadar for taking care of me and my brother during your absence. I wish I could have told you about him then. Soon we moved out of that city and that was one happy day in my life. I remember on our way out of the city we stopped at a park because brother loved the slides there and he was not yet ready to leave the city. While he played on the slide for one last time, I was thankful to be leaving the city.
Life moved on and so did we. Similar incidents kept happening. While the abuser changed from sevadar to either the school driver or school teacher or one our own close relatives. Thankfully I could protect myself from complete physical abuse but some form of mental and a level of physical abuse kept happening.
Day-by-day my self confidence and the inner happiness diminished. I kept thinking that there is something wrong with me. I am a shame to the family. I never had the courage to speak with you. I was scared. Every small sound, a cooked up story, an insect, everything started scaring me. As I grew up, I always thought you being my mother, may be one day you will automatically know what is going on with me. It was a hopeful dream.
While all this was happening and my heart was being pulled into darkness and fear, there was still one thing that gave my happiness — a proud smile on my dad’s face when I did something good in studies. It took me some time to realize about this happiness. I kept working towards it in an attempt to still be the good daughter, or still be a daughter that you both could be proud of, but before that something else happened.
When I was around nine years old, I saw you cheating on dad with his brother. This happened right under dad’s nose for years together. While dad was away your partner showered his love to you and his unnecessary anger on me and my brother. I started secretly hating you for cheating my dear dad. Of course, I hated your partner for being harsh on my brother, I still hate him. I was slowly getting immune to the pain caused to me directly and kept focusing on my studies. Becoming a quieter person day-by-day.
This was not the only extra-marital relationship of yours that I witnessed in our house, I saw you with four other men. All of whom came in as your friends, became a your partner behind doors a gentlemen in public. It was pathetic. I could see the confidence with which you carried out your actions and the cleaning up after. It was a lesson of cheating, adultery and cheap dirty romance. My hope of telling you anything about my past and making you understand the pain was shattered. I knew, someone like you could never understand and I never wanted to tell dad as I thought it would bring shame to him. There were multiple times that I thought of telling dad about your affairs and cheating, but I was scared to become the cause of a family break. I and brother were still very young and needed both the parents. Dad was doing all he could to provide well for our family, he loved us and you.
Years passed, my interactions with you reduced. Everything inside me kept taking the shape of angry and of a rebel. I kept searching for a warm hug or a little understanding and love from you, but instead got more pushed away.
As if all this was not enough, you made sure to insult and humiliate me by calling ugly or untalented in front of your friends — all of you had a good laugh and you became popular among your friends. Anything I wanted to learn, you made fun of that and I lost interest. Even with all this somewhere deep inside I still loved you a bit as you took care of us.
I guess, I was not the only one to notice your infedility, someone else also did and had sent a detailed letter to your mother. I was there when your mother received the letter and questioned you — you nullified everything convincingly saying that people are jealous of you, you also swore on your kids future. I can never get rid of that sentence ringing in my ears and the visual in front of my eyes. You turned out to be a really convincing liar too. I had and have great respect for your mother, but you cheated her too.
After that event, I felt your confidence on indefinitely to increase. One of your partners came home more often and even comes to your house today. This partner of yours touched me inappropriately when I was around sixteen. By then I did not care of what you do in your life because I could not correct it or stop it but I was concerned about my life. I gathered courage and tried to talk to you to which you turned a deaf ear. You told me “it is grown up stuff, when you grow up you will know”. I am not sure what did you meant by growing up cause you got married at the age I was then. I realized how much it is important to have a well learner mother. Your partner tried again and this time I slapped him tight.
Seeing all your behavior and it’s impact in our family, I had made up my mind to leave the house as soon as possible. I never wanted to get married to someone of your choice as I had seen your choice and you. I wanted to marry someone who will not tell me a lie. I prayed everyday to get me admission in a college that was far from your reach.
With so many things happened to me since being a little girl, I was crushed from inside and eventually it started showing up on my health. At 21, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that impacts the hormones. My brain and body could not take anymore and there was no support from family. During those times I met my husband who was and is very supportive of me. He was the only one who stood by me throughout my checkups and hospitalization. You did not come. Not even once!
Life is not simple for anyone but it is made easy by support of our own people. There are many more things that happened in my life later as well but by then I had understood the bitter lessons of life and was strong to face them.
It took me 40 years to get the strength to write this open letter. I could not go on any more with these horrible facts buried in me, I want to make space in my heart for happiness.
The irony is that all my life I kept hoping and begging for a bit of attention from you, and today when you give me a call, it feels like a betrayal to talk to you.
Today as I look back, I see a lot of pain in a little heart, but you taught me to overcome the pain. There are multiple events in life when we are being abused or bullied in life, you made me strong to face them. Today I am protective about my daughter as I know all the abuse that she might face without her mother’s support. Today, I am doing well in my career, as you made me realize the importance of being learned and the happiness of work. When someone is in pain, small things make them happy, you taught me to be happy with small things in life. You taught me the importance of having a partner who is true to you and the importance of having a transparent relation. You taught me that every human, irrespective of age, has emotions that must be respected. You taught me the importance and art of keeping secret. You taught me to see the true face of bad people who pretend to be good in public. You taught me if someone is saying something in an intimidating or a loud voice, they may not be saying the truth — I learnt the importance of knowing the other side of the story as well. And above all, you taught me the importance of forgiving someone to be able to move on with life.
I forgive you dear mom!
Today when I am sad, I close my eyes and think about when I was two years old and I had a toothache. Dad applied clove oil on my hurting tooth and carried me around, telling me stories, showing me the moon. Within minutes my pain vanished. Dad was my hero!
Your ugly daughter,
Xxx